Just as there are many different types of family, there are also many different types of family violence. Research shows that family violence occurs in all groups of society, regardless or wealth, educational levels or cultural boundaries. According to some very worrying statistics, however, family violence is more likely between couples who have children. It is also likely to be more severe and to last longer. Not only is violence more likely when there are children in the house, the abused parent is more likely to stay with the abuser for longer, for the sake of the children.

This is a matter of strong concern due to the traumatizing effect on children of exposure to severe or repeated violence. Children may be harmed by family violence in many ways. They may be the direct target of physical or psychological violence, they may be injured indirectly by physical violence aimed at another, or they may suffer psychological damage as a witness to family violence. To make matters worse, the violence and the consequent injury to children does not just go away when the family separates. However, just as there are many types of family and many types of violence, there are also many different protective factors that can minimise the damage which children suffer.

It is not hard to see how family violence poisons the home environment for children. Even very minor incidents of violence if repeated over and over again can build up a toxic level of stress for some children. This impact can then be felt through generation as boys, in particular, who witness or are subjected to family violence become more prone to repeating the pattern in their own families as adults.

Some researchers suggest that exposure to family violence is a form of psychological abuse in its own right. Others point out that witnessing family violence should not be mistakenly seen as a passive activity. The damage does not occur from children simply absorbing the violence like sponges. Even if the violence is not aimed at them, they tend to be actively involved in processing what is going on, blaming themselves and worrying about their parents. As they grow older they may take the risk of attempting to intervene between the abuser and the abused, or take responsibility for protecting younger siblings.

Family violence can effectively isolate children from having a meaningful relationship with both their parents. They may have strong conflicting feelings about the abusive parent, loving and fearing them at the same time. They may also be cut off from the care of the abused parent, who often becomes withdrawn, overwhelmed and unable to shield the children from his or her own sense of hopelessness and despair.

Given the prevalence of family violence in our society, it is important to know that these effects on children can be reduced. Children who have a strong connection with a positive, supportive and caring adult, such as a grandparent, teacher or member of the community, have a higher chance of developing resilience and skills to help them cope in the situation. Even very damaged children have been observed to repair over time, once the violence is stopped and they are given appropriate support.

Parental attachment appears to be the strongest protective factor against the impact of family violence on children. A parent who is able to maintain a secure connection with his or her children in the midst of chaotic family violence will greatly reduce the negative impact on them. As mentioned above, if the parents are caught up in the cycle of family violence and emotionally unavailable to the child, this protective function may in some cases be provided by a caring adult outside the immediate family. If you are in this situation, the best way to help is to provide reassurance, to situate the violence within an age-appropriate explanatory framework that the child can understand and to allow the child to talk about his or her experiences.